I'm sure you've seen this cliche scenario, either through experience or in media: a boyfriend gets busy, his girlfriend sends him a text, he doesn’t answer for a while, she gets worried/angry and blows up his phone, he sees the texts and then doesn’t answer because he doesn’t want to deal with it. When he finally talks to her, there’s a huge fight. Sound familiar? 

We’ll come back to this later.

Most men I coach are very successful, but unfortunately, that drive and intelligence that led to your success can be next to useless when it comes to having a successful, happy, long-term relationship.

My mind was COMPLETELY blown when I learned about attachment theory. If you had a less than ideal childhood in any way (e.g. divorced/overly-strict/abusive parents, family trauma, etc.) and find yourself falling into similar patterns in your relationships or avoiding them altogether, attachment theory can give you some insights. 

If you Google attachment styles, there are varying explanations which can be confusing, so I'm going to give a brief overview of my favorite.

To start off, there are two basic attachment styles:

Avoidant & Anxious

You can think of them being on a spectrum, with Avoidant being one side and Anxious being the other. I have made a diagram of that below.

Everyone is somewhere on the red and green line. If you are Avoidant, you'd be on the left, and if you are Anxious, you'd be on the right. As with anything on a spectrum, you have a certain percentage of each. I'll explain what they mean shortly.

As you can see in the diagram above, there are also two types of each attachment style:

Secure & Insecure

So you can be Insecure Avoidant or Secure Avoidant, and same thing for Anxious.

People with Secure attachment styles are willing to put the relationship's needs above their own. Insecure people put their own needs ahead of the relationship's, especially in times of stress.

People who are Securely attached:

• Grew up having access to comfort when needed- both emotional and physical. They knew their parents would be there for them.
• Are comfortable providing that same comfort and support to others.
• Are also comfortable depending and relying on others.
• Statistically are more likely to have longer, happier, and more successful relationships.

People who are Insecurely attached:

• Did not grow up with all of their emotional needs met.
• Don’t feel comfortable depending on other people, particularly their partner. As such, they do not reach out for support in a healthy way when they need it.
• Prefer to not be depended upon.
• Struggle with power dynamics in their relationships.

As you can see, this is very much rooted in how you grew up (all the way from infant to teenage years), and it’s extremely important when it comes to having successful relationships with minimal conflict.

So what do Avoidant and Anxious mean? Below are traits of the Insecure versions of each style.

Avoidant people:

• Grew up in families that did not provide them with enough comfort. Whether that was due to harsh parenting (“Boys don’t cry”) or a divorce leading to a lot of alone time, as a child they learned that they had to numb themselves since their parent wasn’t going to comfort them when they needed it.
• Appear to the outside as though they are very stoic, but they actually aren’t feeling much or allowing themselves to.
• Appear independent, but aren’t as autonomous as they think/wish they are. Their independence is actually a weakness because they are not capable of fully depending on others in relationships.
• Never really learned how to allow people to depend on them- they tend to keep most others at arms length and therefore do not initiate many relationships.
• Tend to (subconsciously) worry that their emotions will get turned on and they will then be vulnerable and open to (emotional) harm. They are particularly scared of rejection, and also of losing their independence in a relationship.
• During conflict they will shut down their heart and often retreat- whether that is physically running away or becoming incapable of empathy that they normally would, leading to extreme conflict and hurtful words, whether intentional or not.

 Anxious people:

• Grew up in families where comfort was inconsistent. Sometimes the mother might comfort them, but other times they were left to cry themselves to sleep. Or perhaps they had an ideal childhood but their parents went through some extreme conflict when the child got older and they lost the security that they had. Therefore as a child, they typically would very closely monitor their parents’ availability and emotional responsiveness. This could take the form of throwing tantrums to test the parent when needs were not being met.
• Frequently enter relationships due to the constant need to feel attached to somebody.
• If, for whatever reason, they believe that attachment is not secure, they get angry and possessive. They can get very clingy and have an extremely difficult time remaining calm and reasonable.
• They typically are not straightforward with their partner to get their needs met. They’re much more likely to be manipulative, controlling, angry, etc.
• Because of this behavior, they start to push their partner away, resulting in their worst fear: abandonment …..which upsets them even more and results in even more intense behavior, further alienating their partner.

Remember that scenario from the beginning of the article? That is a typical conflict between an Insecure Avoidant and Insecure Anxious couple. They tend to be attracted to each other like magnets. The beginning of the relationship is amazing due to the way they fill in each other’s unhealthy needs so well, but after some time, inevitable conflict emerges and they fall into their worst habits. They go through extreme cycles of fighting, making up, bliss, and then further fighting.

They are also 50% of the population, so there’s a pretty good chance you’ve been in a relationship with an Insecure type or you are one yourself.

So what does it mean to be Secure Anxious or Secure Avoidant?

These styles are learned behavior, and like any learned behavior, they can change. That is why this is so important to learn about. You can be Secure but when you end up with an Insecure partner, they can push you into insecurity yourself. Or it could be the case that your Security pulls them into a Secure style of their own.

Anxious partners will still like to have more reassurance in their relationship, and Avoidant partners will require more independence, even if they are Secure. The main difference is how they handle their needs and conflict.

Ultimately Secure people have no problem putting their relationship’s needs above their own, not to the point of detriment of course. After all, that would ultimately be bad for the relationship.

If you want to have the highest chance of a happy, successful relationship, you need to first become aware of your own style, and if Insecure, learn to accept that and establish Secure behaviors. It would also be smart to ensure that you enter a relationship with someone who is also Secure, although it is entirely possible to have a relationship with someone who starts with an Insecure style if you are Secure enough to help them become Secure as well.

IMPORTANT NOTE: There is a third insecure attachment style called Fearful Avoidant which essentially encapsulates the worst of both styles. People with this style typically grew up in abusive households and are only about 2% of the population, so they are much rarer. This style requires professional therapy to overcome, so if you meet someone who came from an abusive household, it’s important to make sure they can handle conflict in a healthy way before committing to them.

Until next time.

-Coley

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